By Choice

This face. I love, love, love, love it. I can say that about all my kids. I think most moms can say that about all of their kids. At one point I was very afraid I wouldn't love that face. I've been meaning to write this story for a while, and have told it to a few people but have never written it down. So, for the days when I am old and gray, and cant remember exactly, here it is...

When we found out Sport had Down Syndrome it was devastating. With all of the medical unknowns going against his favor, our doctor told us we had a week to decide if we were keeping or terminating the pregnancy.

I've had never even considered abortion but I was scared out of my mind. Could we deal with all of his medical problems? How long would he live past birth? How would this affect our other children? Everyone told me how cute downs kids were and to be brutally honest at that time I didn't think they were cute. (I've since changed my mind.) I had spent a lot of time with kids that had Muscular Dystrophy. I had helped host two Special Olympic ceremonies but had no connection with downs kids.

I had so many questions and no answers. We fasted, we prayed, and somehow I found this crazy thought, that maybe this baby wasn't meant to be, and we could raise him during the millennium. We talked with our Stake President, and met with our Bishop, and they told us the decision was ours to make, they would love and support us either way. Indy was 100% for seeing it through, he was our son and we would love him no matter what. I understood that in my head, but my heart was having a hard time catching up.

I finally told Indy; I had made a commitment that as long as he was the worthy priesthood holder of our home, we would follow his decision. Two weeks went by and I think I cried for every day of those. I honestly thought the tears would never stop, and this hole in my heart would never ever heal. Why oh why could Indy feel peace. but I would pray and pray and find none? We headed to the cabin and I specifically remember crying myself to sleep praying that I could understand why... I had this dream. In my dream I delivered this perfect baby boy. I quickly told the doctor in my dream that, all the tests were wrong and he was perfectly fine. She said, "I know but you need to look at him again." I looked again and his features slowly changed. His eyes became smaller and slanted. His ears and nose became too little for his face. This baby did have Downs. And then I heard a voice in the room that said, "He just wanted you to see him for who he really is"

And that was the end of my dream. From the minute he was born I have loved this face. I love every inch of him. From his webbed toes to his little stubby fingers. I love it all.