A moment of enough - Retirement Day

I announced just before Christmas that I was retiring, shifting focus, taking a sabbatical whatever you want to call it.  After 16 years in my career field I am done.  Weird.  Why?  It is time.  I prayed about it and staying home full time is what I need to do right now.  When it comes to working moms vs stay at home moms I think it's the dumbest conversation ever, no matter what side of it you're on.  When it comes right down to it, what works for one woman and one family is not the perfect solution for another.  I was having major mommy guilites about working several years ago when I heard a talk by Elder Ballard.  He said something to the effect of it doesn't matter if you work or not work inside or outside the home, what matters is that your marriage and family come first.  I have really tried to follow that council.  Right now I need to find Rems a colon and they don't sell those on ebay.  My other three are growing like weeds, crazy busy and for some very strong reason (part of which I actually don't understand) I need to be home full time.  I am grateful to be in a position to make the choice to stay home.

When I was a junior in high school I was dashing from the locker room to the gym because I was late for drill.  This lady breezed in from outside and asked me where Bonnie (drill instructor) was.  This lady whom I didn't know made a lasting impression on me.  She was dressed for business, brief case on one hip, baby on the other.  I thought "I can totally do that".  I knew I wanted to go to college and get a good job and at some point be a wife and a mom.  This lady somehow left a mark on my mind;  I could do it all, and do it well.  Now the flip side of that is, I have an issue that no matter what area of my life I'm examining; what I am doing is never enough.  There is always more I could have done, more I could do, others that do it better than myself. (I know I probably need therapy).  Long story short - Went to college, got my degree, got a job  as a dental sales rep.  I had no clue what I was doing, and I didn't know a thing about the company I was doing it for.  I had a really great person take a chance on me.  (In all honesty I think liked my legs as well).  Soon Sullivan Dental became Henry Schein Dental.  I met awesome people, from co-workers, to clients and their dental teams.  Some of these people have become very good friends.  I worked my hiney off.  The stats in this industry are that 8 out of 10 rookie reps will fail.  I didn't fail.  I was rookie of the year my first full year.  I had found the job for me.  I started in September of 1996.  Brian and I got married in Sept of 99 and a year later in October of 2000 Cambridge arrived.  I never really wanted to be a working mom, but we thought since things were going so well, if we could save a little bit more and get out of debt Cam could have some time with his Grandmas. I remembered that lady and I thought, "I can totally do this".  We got this hair-brained idea to build a cabin we could rent out.  Mid build we found out I was pregnant with Remy.  His birth and his diagnosis brought major changes.  We quit Brian's job and went to work job-sharing my territory.  When Zoe came along and Brian went to work for DesignRX  I was ready to quit and stay home.  The funny thing about marriage;  sometimes you don't agree about everything.  Brian and I couldn't agree about when I should quit.  So many things play into this, it's too long to post.

Commercial break:  When Remy came along Grandmas were no longer a day-care option.  I have to give HUGE PROPs to the girls that have nannied for us over the last 10 years.  I was driving in the car one day and Zoe was about three and she listed off all the people that loved her.  I decided then and there it is a GOOD thing to have extra people LOVE your children.

The balancing act: poor Brian can't count the number of times over the years I have dissolved into tears crying that I was a failure as a mom, a failure as an employee, failure as a friend.  He would tell me it wasn't true, dry off the tears, kiss me, and tell me to pull up the boot straps and get to back to work.  Being a working mom has stretched me beyond what I thought I was capable of.

Today my co-workers held a luncheon where they shared their favorite 'Melanie Moments'.  They said so many nice things.  They gave me a book of remembrance and put together a movie of moments from our national sales meetings.  16 years with the same company and some of the same people is a LONG time.  I've been married to this job longer than I've been married to Brian.  I did my exit interview and I thought I was ready to leave until I reached for my computer bag and I realized it wasn't mine anymore, and then it hit me.  This job as been more than 'just a job'  I have given it my all and it has given me much in return.  Great personal growth, great friends, great memories.  It's a part of my personality and my identity.  It has literally been my sanity and my escape when I needed a break from the challenges of raising kids.  It was my life saving insurance when I walked out of the hospital with a new baby and  300K in medical bills for which I only had to pay a $200 co-pay.  It's been way more than 'just a job'.  I started to cry and my very awesome boss took me aside and said, "You need to be in this moment and you need to hear all those great things those people said about you.  You have left a mark for good. You have been awesome and a part of good thing that has reached more people than you realize.  You need to know that you are loved"  So for a few minutes the voice in my head that always says I could have done more, was quiet and I had a moment of knowing I had been enough.