When you get that kind of news....

This post is dedicated to my loved ones dealing with unexpected news.  I love you and I know the Lord will guide and support you.  I may have blogged part of this before but I thought I would put it all together.

(One day in August 2002) 18.5 weeks gestation
Heavy and gray.  For August it was unexpected weather.  It had been raining for a couple of days.  Three months earlier much to my shock, I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd baby.  The shock came because I had an IUD in place.  So much for birth control.  With the removal of the IUD there is a risk of miscarriage, but so far this baby was doing just fine.  It was the day of the big ultrasound.  The big unveiling of the gender of this baby.  Another boy or would we get a girl this time?  I worked that morning and I kept telling my clients "I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's healthy".  Isn't that what you hear people say all the time?  I was meeting Brian at the doctors office.  On the way there I called him because I had this uneasy feeling.  A little nag in the back of my brain that wouldn't go away.  I said to him, "What if it's not ok?"  " What if he or she is not healthy"  Typical Brian response "Then we will just deal with it."

Ultrasound:  First shot on the screen before the tech could even ask if we wanted to know the gender; I could tell, clearly we were having another boy.  I was excited, Cambridge and this little baby would be best buds.  Then the tech got quiet, as in really quiet.  The kind of quiet you know isn't right.  Finally the tech said he was seeing some markers for Down Syndrome.  There are something like 27 markers and this baby had three of them.  There was a thickening at his neck, there was echogenic focus on his heart (calcified spot, but all I heard was problems with the heart) and he couldn't see his stomach.  Which meant the baby didn't have a stomach, or quite possibly it wasn't connected to the esophagus.  He then said it could possibly be he was wrong  and we should get a second opinion.  The first thing I felt was shock.  Literal astonishment.  My brain was in slow motion trying to register everything he just said.  They ushered us upstairs to meet with my OB.  I love my doctor but she tells it how it is.  She said this tech was one of the best and she said based on his findings she would agree this baby had Downs.  And then she proceeded to go into all of the health issues and stresses that go along with Downs children...not to mention the baby may not even survive birth. By Utah law we had 10 days to decide if we were aborting or seeing this to term.
She said she was so sorry and we left.

It was still raining outside.  My tears started and wouldn't stop; much like the rain.
I called my mom, and through gut wrenching sobs  gave her a brief update on the situation.  For me, a girl who loves her siblings and friends, I found it strange but I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I wanted to crawl inside a dark hole and not come out.  I felt like my chest had been opened and literally there was a gorilla sized hand squeezing my heart.  I hadn't even met this baby yet and I was grieving for a normal life that would never be.  It was the death of a dream.  My hopes and aspirations for this baby that were not going to happen.  It wasn't until this last September when my Dad died that I realized this type of grief is totally different.  When my Dad died I was shocked because it happened unexpectedly and saddened, but I felt peace.  In the days after this ultrasound I didn't feel peace.   I felt a heaviness that I thought would never ever go away.  I felt like I would never smile again, I would never feel joy, and if it was going to hurt this much how in the world was I going to go on functioning as a normal mom for Cambridge?

We did get a second opinion and they did an amnio to genetically confirm the Down Syndrome.  When they called with the results I remember them saying you have a week to decide if you are keeping this pregnancy.  We prayed and pondered, and talked with our Bishop and Stake President.  Their counsel was that they would love and support us no matter what we decided.  Now before you judge me or anyone else in that situation and say, "oh I would never never even consider an abortion"  you have to weigh all the facts.  It wasn't just the Downs, there were lots of other known and unknown health concerns.  Having a special needs child changes your life, for the rest of your life.  I prayed and honestly felt peace about aborting this baby and raising him in the Resurrection.  Brian said, "He is our son and we will love him and take care of him as long as we are able."  Ok so Brian was obviously the one in-tune with the spirit, but try as I might I could not find any peace around the decision to keep this baby.

Sometimes you have to wait for it:  About two weeks later we had gone to Bear Lake.  I was functioning but barely.  I had a dream that night that I delivered this baby and when I looked at the baby I saw the most perfect beautiful baby boy.  In the dream I said to the doctor, "look he doesn't have Downs"  She looked at the baby and then at me and said, "you need to look again"  When I looked again I saw the slanted eyes, and the squishy nose, and the extra small ears.  Somewhere in the room a deep male voice said, "he wanted you to see him for who he really is"  and then I felt the peace.

Raising this boy has not been an easy journey.  Those first 3 weeks in the NICU about did us in.  And that was just the beginning of the ride.  Many times I have cried out, "I can NOT do this"  and always there is a prompting or literally someone there that says "yes you can".  So if you are in pain or in a place where you think you can't....you can, I know you can.... You will see the sun, feel the warmth again on your face, and feel the peace and happiness in your heart.