I'm still not sure I have the words to express what I'm feeling. There is a part of me that is afraid 'to go there'. While I have a minute I will do my best to re-count what I said during my portion."I remember dancing as a little girl with my Dad and then again when I was in high school during my drill team years. On many of those drill team early morning practices he would drive me and on the cold mornings I would just sit and hold his warm cup of coffee. To this day I love to hold a warm cup of coffee. I can't stand the taste, I just want to hold and smell.
I'm going to talk about three things and how they relate to my Dad; Protection, Priceless gifts, and love.
Protection - When I was about 5, I was going through a phase that I couldn't go to sleep because I was convinced the boogy man was going to get me. My Dad took me into his arms and said, he had a relationship with God and because God knew how much He (my Dad) loved me, he wouldn't let anything happen to me....and that was all I needed I could sleep after that. A few years back I was going through something tough and my Dad sent me a text saying he was sending GA's my way and I thought What???? He doesn't know any General Authorities...and then I remembered Guardian Angels. When he first passed away my mom asked me if I could feel his presence and I said I couldn't feel anything. Later that day I was reading a message on facebook and it said, "I believe our Dad's become our protectors even more so after death than they were here in this life". and then I could feel him there closely watching over me.
Priceless gifts - In July when my Dad was staying with me I sat down on the edge of the bed and he said, "Meli my biggest regret is that I don't have anything financially to leave your mom and your siblings" I said, " Dad you probably missed my blogpost but this past Fathers Day I said I was grateful for a father that has given me things money can not buy. Dad, you've always believed in me and been one of my greatest cheerleader, you gave me the gift of confidence. It's amazing what you can do when you know someone believes in you." I've said things like this before to my Dad but he looked at me, and the look on his face said, he finally understood.
Love - My Dad was never shy about telling us he loved us. Even when he wasn't making the greatest choices my mom would always reassure us how much he loved us. I know my Dad loved me and yet at the sometime when he was making certain choices it didn't always feel that way. It's a hard thing to understand, on the one hand you have this man that loves his family, and serves, and would give whatever he had to you, but you've also got a man making bad decisions and struggling with addiction. So what is the missing link? Where is the connection, or what is the disconnect? As I was talking to a friend last night he very simply said, "Melanie it's the Atonement" My heart started to beat faster and instantly I had tears running down my face, I knew that was the answer. BUT I didn't want it to be the answer. The Atonement to me is this BIG powerful thing, that I understand very very little of. This is what I do know. I know that all of us want to live life at seventy-two degrees because it's comfortable there, it's money in the bank, it's stress free. The problem is life doesn't happen at seventy-two degrees. All of us have things to deal with; it could be grief, or envy, or failure, or guilt; in those defining moments we make a decision to either give those things to the Savior and let go of whatever heartache we or feeling and let the Atonement start to work in our lives, or we take a path that looks easier and it's more comfortable to hang on to our hurts and injustices. Sometimes my Dad made the right decision and sometimes he didn't. One time we were sitting in the ER waiting room of Lakeview hospital after one of those very bad decisions. My filter must have been off because I made some inappropriate comment and my Dad's friend turned to me and said "but he's still your Dad" I was so mad, at my Dad I had had enough and I was ready to turn him in for a different model. I don't understand all of the decisions my Dad has made in his life, but I'm grateful for his life and what I have learned from it. I am grateful it has given me the opportunity to turn to my Savior. I believe in eternal progression and I know as I learn these things my Dad is doing the same on the other side. I love him and I would not trade him for anything. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen
Paul Victor Roylance
